Roiders News Service: Date/Time: 4/22/2009-0900 EDT
Obama Administration to Ban Home Brewing
Home Brewing - R.I.P.  Citing the loss of tax revenue and control over the lives of ordinary citizens the administration has ordered the Attorney General to "review and implement with all speed" the prohibition era ban on making beer for personal consumption. This ban had been lifted in 1978 by the Carter administration. A spokesman for the white house  announced that a considerable amount of revenue was lost due to the preference of "a few extremists" for the superior non-taxable product produced on millions of kitchen stoves over the heavily taxed commodity dubbed "mega-swill". The spokesman added: "If the proletariat thinks it has a right to make beer, what's next? Soon they might think they have a right to keep and bear arms".
This crackdown on beer-freedoms came on the heels of a White House martini breakfast with Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid during which, according to one source, Speaker Pelosi demanded and end to "those horrible, hoppy, beverages". "We must save the confused mass of Americans from themselves" added Majority Leader Reid "There is already more Light Beer in the world than can be consumed in any creditable time frame." ML Reid was referring to a study by the San Francisco based think tank "Homo-genize This! Foundation". The study was funded by the McBeer Corporation.
An alternate plan submitted by the administration was strict regulation of Home Brewing calling for a $1000/year federal license, registration of each six pack produced, access to all brewer's medical records, an official government stamp to be placed on every container of homebrew, and no more than 5 bottles to a cardboard carrying tray with an inert, bottle-shaped "stop" permanently inserted into the sixth space. Bottles would also need to be marked with a baby with a red-x through it to prevent minors from falling into any opened containers and drowning.
The homebrewing community has been characterized recently by the media group MSNBCCCP as a "bunch of radical centrists consumed with an anti-social desire to actually enjoy what they drink". When questioned directly about the ban on homebrewing and if the topic would be open to bi-partisan debate, Mr. Obama said: "I won".
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